Monday, December 18, 2006
The Battle of Christmas
I went directly from the outer limits of the mall parking lot to a double caramel macchiato. That wired me up for the novelty sock cart, next to holiday stupid hat cart, where I bought a pair of candy cane socks that play "Frosty the Snowman" when you press the big toe.
From there, on to the Museum Shop. I found a deck of tarot cards designed by Jackson Pollock, a replica of King Tut's wedding ring microscopically engraved with the entire Egyptian Book of the Dead, & a comic book version of the Life of Leonardo DaVinci. Amazing what strikes one's fancy.
I rode the glass elevator up & down three times then took a gooey cinnamon bun & cappuccino break. I stopped by the magazine stand & browsed the entire December issue of Tattoo, which I didn't buy because it had sticky bun stuff on it. A side trip through the Everything Plus Drugs Store & I exited with a roll of Homer Simpson wrapping paper, a Santa Claus Pez dispenser, & a bottle of Tylenol PM.
This year all the employees at Our Toyz R Not Discounted were dressed up as wooden soldiers, which is better than than the year they wore propeller beanies. I wasn't interested in the 200 pound teddy bear at $1999, but I made the "associate" pull it off the display for me anyway. "Do you carry gorilla costumes?" I asked.
Shopping was wearing me down. I headed back to the food court. The sushi line was too long so I settled for a pint of moo goo gai pan & a corn dog.
Next time you're in the shop with the music boxes, see how many of them you can make play simultaneously.
The Environmentally Correct Store was devoted to saving the whales by selling very expensive biodegradable items. I picked up some buffalo chip patio torches & banana fiber rolling papers.
Time for a Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream cone, double dip.
Three glass elevator rides & a stroll past the mall Santa & his teenaged female elves brought me to the Native American Emporium. I tried on a Lakota war bonnet & Tlinget frog mask, admired a Kiowa beaded bag, & shook an Arapaho rattle to drive away evil spirits. But they no longer carried grizzly bear paw amulets, & by law there's a two week waiting period before anyone can walk out with an Iroquois tomahawk. So I bought a tiny Hopi Kachina doll for good luck locating my car & hurried out into the Great Traffic Tieup beneath the cold starry night of generic nonsectarian seasonal good cheer.
Now I have lots of presents to put under my tree, but I haven't a thing for anyone else except Spanish greeting cards from the dollar store.
"If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be." Thomas Jefferson
From there, on to the Museum Shop. I found a deck of tarot cards designed by Jackson Pollock, a replica of King Tut's wedding ring microscopically engraved with the entire Egyptian Book of the Dead, & a comic book version of the Life of Leonardo DaVinci. Amazing what strikes one's fancy.
I rode the glass elevator up & down three times then took a gooey cinnamon bun & cappuccino break. I stopped by the magazine stand & browsed the entire December issue of Tattoo, which I didn't buy because it had sticky bun stuff on it. A side trip through the Everything Plus Drugs Store & I exited with a roll of Homer Simpson wrapping paper, a Santa Claus Pez dispenser, & a bottle of Tylenol PM.This year all the employees at Our Toyz R Not Discounted were dressed up as wooden soldiers, which is better than than the year they wore propeller beanies. I wasn't interested in the 200 pound teddy bear at $1999, but I made the "associate" pull it off the display for me anyway. "Do you carry gorilla costumes?" I asked.
Shopping was wearing me down. I headed back to the food court. The sushi line was too long so I settled for a pint of moo goo gai pan & a corn dog.
Next time you're in the shop with the music boxes, see how many of them you can make play simultaneously.
The Environmentally Correct Store was devoted to saving the whales by selling very expensive biodegradable items. I picked up some buffalo chip patio torches & banana fiber rolling papers.
Time for a Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream cone, double dip.
Three glass elevator rides & a stroll past the mall Santa & his teenaged female elves brought me to the Native American Emporium. I tried on a Lakota war bonnet & Tlinget frog mask, admired a Kiowa beaded bag, & shook an Arapaho rattle to drive away evil spirits. But they no longer carried grizzly bear paw amulets, & by law there's a two week waiting period before anyone can walk out with an Iroquois tomahawk. So I bought a tiny Hopi Kachina doll for good luck locating my car & hurried out into the Great Traffic Tieup beneath the cold starry night of generic nonsectarian seasonal good cheer.Now I have lots of presents to put under my tree, but I haven't a thing for anyone else except Spanish greeting cards from the dollar store.
