Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Down in the dumps the past few weeks. The "quality" of my down periods has felt remarkably the same for thirty five years. So much the same in fact that they are sometimes accompanied by deja vu, as well as by specific "bad" memories of events from long ago. My recent depression, three weeks long, was deepened by a summer flu, which in turn may have been made worse by depression. Not every day is equally "bad" although the trend is generally downward until there's an unexpected burst of "up" energy. Basic things are left undone. I lose a taste for food; lose interest in most small daily pleasures, including music. I sleep. Or not sleep. I have panic attacks, usually at night. I've dreamed about people I haven't seen in thirty years. Some of them I would like to see again; Karen & Chrissy Battell, Joanie Evano, Sue Cuesta Dahl (where are they, who are they now?)
I've been in this Elizabeth apartment for over three months & I'm nearly 1/3rd of the way through the lease year. & I want to get out of here, & return to Rahway. Always the fantasy of going farther, down the Coast railroad line to Bradley Beach or Belmar, but realistically won't be ready for that kind of jump for two or three years. When I have a decent car again I may not even care to, since I realized that the Raritan Bayshore pretty much satisfied my need for water & sand & tide. Proximity to WFMU in Jersey city is no longer a factor in where I live. WFMU kept me in this area during a period when I otherwise would've been able to leave it, in 1997/98, & I regret that choice now. I am now paying dearly for several crucially bad decisions I nade back then. I recall being down in North Wildwood for five days in late August 1998, & I did not want to come home; wanted to stay a few more days & scout out jobs & places to live. But i was working at Pearl & at a graphics studio & had a weekly radio show & was scheduled to make the first regular broadcast from the new WFMU studios & life was hunky dory but for not living in Cape May County. Misplaced trust & faith.
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"If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be." Thomas Jefferson
I've been in this Elizabeth apartment for over three months & I'm nearly 1/3rd of the way through the lease year. & I want to get out of here, & return to Rahway. Always the fantasy of going farther, down the Coast railroad line to Bradley Beach or Belmar, but realistically won't be ready for that kind of jump for two or three years. When I have a decent car again I may not even care to, since I realized that the Raritan Bayshore pretty much satisfied my need for water & sand & tide. Proximity to WFMU in Jersey city is no longer a factor in where I live. WFMU kept me in this area during a period when I otherwise would've been able to leave it, in 1997/98, & I regret that choice now. I am now paying dearly for several crucially bad decisions I nade back then. I recall being down in North Wildwood for five days in late August 1998, & I did not want to come home; wanted to stay a few more days & scout out jobs & places to live. But i was working at Pearl & at a graphics studio & had a weekly radio show & was scheduled to make the first regular broadcast from the new WFMU studios & life was hunky dory but for not living in Cape May County. Misplaced trust & faith.
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