Monday, March 01, 2004
After being discharged from the hospital in December, I determined to set out on a path away from the experiences of the previous six months, step by step, allowing of no distractions. The deaths of John Narucki & Charlie Mosler, two people who had treated me as a creative peer before I'd truly earned that status, stiffened my resolve to make it through the winter & do what I needed to do. First, I had to accept that I had suffered a serious relapse, & that I had either ignored or failed to catch the earlier symptoms - probably because I didn't want to believe it was happening. I needed to take control of my treatment, & here I decided to change medications - a four to six week process of cleaning out the the Zoloft & letting the Welbutran - a very different drug - take over, while closely observing physical & mental changes & side effects. I had to repair a frayed relationship with my therapist, Dr. Elena. I had put myself back into the Bridgeway House partial care program & then quickly make use of their experienced social workers.
Meanwhile, in mid-February, my landlord filed a complaint for my eviction in Superior Court, for non-payment of 2 1/2 months back rent (listed as Jan, Dec & 1/2 of Nov). It was a serious distraction. Since I had nothing with which to negotiate a solution, I put it aside & kept to my recovery plan. Dr. K pushed some paper, I entered Bridgeway a little over a week ago & by Friday, thanks to their great staff & especially a counselor named Betty, I had a preliminary approval for a Section 8 rental voucher, & had re-applied for Family First benefits - the latter ran out as I drifted into apathy early last summer. Stay with the plan.
Today I made the decision not to go begging around for the full back rent from agencies & people. Friends, doctors, social workers, have given me so much personal & professional support. Gifts materialized unexpectedly, from the most unexpected sources, before I'd even gone into the hospital.
As one M.S.W. asked me, perhaps rhetorically, back in the hospital: "You were going to kill yourself mainly over money?" Yeah I know. Foolish. & a banal reason unworthy of a poet. Hart Crane jumped off a ship mid-ocean & to this day nobody's sure why he did it.
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"If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be." Thomas Jefferson
Meanwhile, in mid-February, my landlord filed a complaint for my eviction in Superior Court, for non-payment of 2 1/2 months back rent (listed as Jan, Dec & 1/2 of Nov). It was a serious distraction. Since I had nothing with which to negotiate a solution, I put it aside & kept to my recovery plan. Dr. K pushed some paper, I entered Bridgeway a little over a week ago & by Friday, thanks to their great staff & especially a counselor named Betty, I had a preliminary approval for a Section 8 rental voucher, & had re-applied for Family First benefits - the latter ran out as I drifted into apathy early last summer. Stay with the plan.
Today I made the decision not to go begging around for the full back rent from agencies & people. Friends, doctors, social workers, have given me so much personal & professional support. Gifts materialized unexpectedly, from the most unexpected sources, before I'd even gone into the hospital.
As one M.S.W. asked me, perhaps rhetorically, back in the hospital: "You were going to kill yourself mainly over money?" Yeah I know. Foolish. & a banal reason unworthy of a poet. Hart Crane jumped off a ship mid-ocean & to this day nobody's sure why he did it.
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