Friday, April 23, 2010

10 AM appt with shrink, no sleep last night, I was reading at 7 am when I gave up. Took a taxi over. The walked slowly downtown to library for a few books. Waited 45 minutes for bus to the Elmora CVS. Hour wait there for prescription, so I walked around corner to Pathmark, back to CVS, walked home from there, about 2 PM. It was a tough haul, fortunately a fair day.

The doctor recommended I reenter the Partial Hospital program at the clinic. It's a six week, weekday psych program, 9 to 3, pretty intense. I was in it ten years ago & enjoyed it. Back then I was one of the older people. At the time, I had a car, lived in Rahway, was in fairly good physical health, & had a good deal of hope for the future. I also thought then the program wasn't comprehensive enough. It didn't have medical or social worker components. P.H. also expects participants have a support network of family & friends, & I did not have that. When I finished P.H., my therapist & the clinic staff concluded I should be on Social Security Disability to stabilize my financial situation & open up more social service opportunities. It took some convincing. They did all the paperwork & handed it to me to sign once I agreed. What if I hadn't agreed? Would that have meant I was even more screwed up? They even brought in an intern to run a comprehensive battery of psych tests, which shocked me when I saw the results. It turned out that the crucial family member involved wasn't concurring with their recommendations, although it took awhile to realize it. I was very conflicted, as it created a situation where I had to ask for emotional support & encouragement - you need a cheerleader - on the condition that I had to believe I didn't deserve it. Or something like that.

Anyway, I can't do P.H. now. My health problems are too serious & I'm hardly handling those well. I have my Ambien. I took nap. I'm getting back into bed, listening to the late Yanks-Angels ballgame on the coast, & reading.

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